My Story

My Story

My name is Ralf, I'm 42 years old, an electrical troubleshooting engineer and live in Germany. I'm married to my wife Iris and have a little son called Raphael. My story starts in 1996, I was 31 that time. Everything was perfect then, I loved my wife and the life I lived. My love to my wife was like a beautiful flower enjoying the light. I did not know the Bible or the Qur'an, but I believed in true love.

I had to go on a business trip to Florida, which should have been two weeks originally, but became three month. I was afraid to go, since I thought I would have problems with the language and everything else. The first day I arrived in our sister company in Palm Coast, I wore Jeans and a leather-jacket, the president of the company asked me if I was an engineer. So I decided to wear better clothes and bought some at JC-Penny in Daytona. I was successful in my job, although it took longer than expected, and I went to the beach at the weekends. Here started my first problem: when I was a little child, we sometimes went on vacation to Spain or Italy, and we always wore swimming trunks, never Bermuda shorts. I did not realize that only the gay men wear swimming trunks in Florida, I thought it would be some kind of fashion. It became a problem later.

Since I had no talent in cooking, I always went to the restaurants, and the company was paying for it. When I went to the Steak'n Shake restaurant in Palm Coast, the girls started to talk about me immediately when they saw me, since my skin already had some tan, which also highlighted my blue eyes. One girl said something like: "I've seen him first". The waitress that came to my table looked into my eyes, and I began to stutter when I gave her my order. I could not do anything against it, I fell in love, although I was married. She had something in common with my wife. Her name was Melissa. I was alone and missed love. I have never thought about it before, to cheat my wife. I thought I could do it, since nobody would know it. After some weeks I decided to write Melissa a little love letter. Somehow I was testing how far I could go. I did not know that she was married, and regretted my decision. Some days later she quitted her job, and I was sad that I could not see her anymore. I decided to do something against my sadness and got a tattoo in Daytona, a dragon tattoo, since I'm born in the year of the dragon, on the same date as Bruce Lee. Bruce left me an important message: You have to become like water. Water is the symbol for the word of God.

One time when I walked over the Daytona Beach with my swimming trunks, someone called me the gay dragon, but I did not know the word gay, since English is not my mother language. I should have asked for the meaning of it... I also went to the nightclubs, since I loved to dance. I was dancing alone, but one girl watched me dancing and told the bartender to give me a free drink. She was very beautiful, and her name was Lisa if I remember correctly. First I ignored her, since I had not made up my mind to cheat my wife. Some weeks later I decided to find her again, and I found out that she was working as a bartender. Again she gave me free drinks. I tried to talk to Lisa, but she said: I thought you are married. I turned around and left the bar, since she hit my weak point. One day later I found out that she was married also, and I still do not know why she gave me free drinks. Her husband was a bartender also, and he said that she liked me. Maybe she thought I would be one of the few honest men, since I wore my wedding ring and did not try to get another girl. But I tried the opposite thing.

One day I went with my colleague Ken to Molly Browns in Daytona, a striptease bar. Ken went there so often that another colleague called him "married with Molly Browns". I never went to such a place, and I was curious. The striptease was harmless, the girls left their pants on and had covered their nipples. I also spent a few dollars for a table dance. Another girl asked me if I wanted to go upstairs, but I said I would not have enough money, it was a lie. Maybe it was not a lie, who can buy love (Revelation 13:17)" I still do not know what they offer upstairs. Instead I bought a cigar from the guy working in the restroom, he also wanted to clean my boots, but there was no need for it and we exchanged a few words, making some jokes. We left Molly Browns and went to the Razzle's, a nightclub where you can dance. They had a bikini contest that night. I watched a girl who was dancing alone, she was blonde and I love blondes. Later she won the first prize at the bikini contest, and her name was Mary if I remember correctly. Her performance at the bikini contest was so fantastic, that I thought if I could do the same, because they had the same contest for men the other night, similar to a striptease contest. I looked like as if I would do some martial arts, and in addition I'm blonde and had a dark tan, so I thought I could win. I'm a shy person, so I thought if I could do something like this contest, I would loose my shyness. So I went to the Razzle's the following night. Then an unexpected thing happened: Mary was standing close to me and she wanted to talk to me. I did not know what to do, I had no control of the situation, I felt I could not resist her. Since I knew that I could not cheat my wife, I turned around and walked away. This decision drove me to the limit of my mind. But it became much more worse. When I took part at the contest, some people were yelling "gay, buh". Obviously a lot of people have seen me at the beach with my swimming trunks. I'm a sensitive person, I was dying that night. Nevertheless I repeated the contest the other week, since I did not want to feel like a looser and I wanted to know that I have the strength to do it. Later a voice inside my head made a joke and said: He is shy like a Mustang.

The next day I was still sad and had the impression that my colleagues at work were talking about me, since I told the story. I did not realize that I started to hear voices, which were not real. When I returned to Germany, I was still unhappy, because I always thought about Mary. I was depressive and thought I had made the wrong decision, I thought about good and evil. My conclusion was if there is no God, there is no good and evil also and I can do whatever I want. After two years I decided to move to Florida alone, I wanted to repeat the good time I had in Florida. Although I did not want to admit it, I was still in love with Mary. Back in Florida I went to the Stake'n Shake restaurant very often and sometimes to Shoneys, Perkins and Dennys. A strange thing happened: they were talking about Mary at Stake'n Shake. I thought I would be able to listen to the conversation of other people, I did not realize that I heard voices. So I got the impression that I could meet Mary at Steak'n Shake, and later I was waiting for her at Shoneys. I was sitting on a bench in front of Shoneys, and I got arrested, because I did not want to go away. When the police arrived, I realized that something was wrong, but I did not know what it was, because I was very confused due to the voices. I said to the police officer that he can shoot me, since I did not want to live without Mary, and he really made a move to draw his gun. God" closed Shoneys later. They threw me into a large prison cell with at least 30 prisoners. It was very loud in the cell, since the voices of the prisoners were echoing from the walls. In addition to that I heard the voices inside my head, it was a torture. Suddenly I was able to meditate and found some peace. I received a revelation about the meaning of the Holy Grail and drank hot water out of a plastic mug: it is the power of belief/imagination. After three days a colleague payed the bond and I was free again. I went to a psychiatrist and received medication, which improved my condition. I talked to my wife on the phone and said that she is the only one who really loves me, and she came and we spent the next 1 1/2 years in Florida, before we returned to Germany.

I thought I did not need the medication anymore and was "crazy" again after some month. I had the impression to be an old being like Jesus, since I felt to have an extended consciousness. My wife brought me to an hospital, and a police officer gave me hand cuffs and brought me to another hospital. I saw a mother with her baby on her arms, and the baby had some kind of skin disease at its arms. I thought to have healing powers and kissed the baby on its arm. Maybe the baby was healed later" After one week in hospital I was normal again. I started to read the Bible, since I was looking for some explanations about the things I experienced. People in Zen Buddhism try to get enlightened, when they think a long time about a problem which can not be solved. This is exactly what I did, I thought about having another woman although I am married, a problem with no solution. This "enlightenment" really works, but it might have negative consequences. One day when I went to the psychiatrist, I heard that he mentioned the word gay. I was so nerved that I said: You can call me gay, because I love Jesus.

I think God has used my broken heart to draw me to him (Psalms 34:18 The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.). Later I realized that I still love Mary. Love is something illogical, because my wife is also beautiful and I have no reason to love another woman. So God is love (I John 4:16), and when love is illogical, God must be illogical also. This is the very reason why we do not see God running around every day. This is important for us to realize, so we learned something about my story. If God would be logical, his actions would have to be logical also, that means he would be restricted in his actions. When God is illogical, he can do whatever he wants. God must be illogical to be the Most High God. You will see that the illogical verses in the Bible have the most interesting meaning. For example: John 7:38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. Water is the symbol for the word of God. So the verse means that a true believer can speak with the word of God, when he is filled with the spirit. Sometimes I can speak with the word of God. You decide if I say the truth.

You might say that it was wrong not to talk to Mary, since I loved her so much, but my love will be healed, when the kingdom of God is established. What is time, when you live forever? I have already seen a vision of the kingdom: people were crying tears of joy. In the meantime I remembered how I first met my wife, it was the moment God married us. Later my son was born, and I called him Raphael, meaning God heals, because he made me forget Mary. My love has changed: first comes Allah, then my son and my wife.

Ralf Biermann