Just when you thought it'd get comfortable here....

Salam aleikum

...And there you were thinking you never have to read this stuff again cos it'll be in finnish... In your face! i cant keep my mouth shut and its a lot nicer when i know  that more than three ppl on the forum understand what i'm saying.( well you might not understand but then it'll have nothing to do with the language at least.)

Now... I know this is the same old story and you ppl probably think i have nothing else to say (which is true. it is. my life is really relatively boring). but it's bothering me! and i'm not the only one....

Have you guys noticed how everyone seems to be divorcing these days? Even the people i thought were going to stick together till death do them apart seem to be splitting up for (which seems to the outsider) pretty much nothing. I mean... It's the same old problems you'd think people 'd learn to work their way around; money, marital relations, money, quality time, money, lack of understanding and... did i mention this? money. 

Now here's some figures for you;

The divorce rate in my country is like 53% ( now, i know some boring person will dig out the real statistic and say; no it's not it's really 52,5 %.... duh.facepalm.). And more than half of those couples are people with small children (under 3 year olds). Most couples divorce in the first 2 years of their marriage.  The same things seems to be going on in pretty much all of the western countries. (i wont talk of the others since that's not the point.)

And i know what you're going to say; yeah it's because those people don't have any faith to keep them together but we're muslims so we know what marriage is all about.... right? well? anyone? But to me it seems that muslims divorce a LOT too. Most of my friends are already in their second (some in 3rd 4th or.... well 10th) marriage and the first has usually ended with quite disasterous results. 

A friend of mine says (i've quoted her here before too. but she has a way of always appearing to be right in the end) that a marriage should be seen as a business arragement. The kids today, according to her, divorce so much because their expectations are unrealistic. One should be happy if her husband doesnt beat her, cheat, gamble, drink etc. and sometimes spends a while with the kids. 

Of course my marriage doesnt count, even though my ex husband did none of the above mentioned things and even spent (and still spends) some time with his son. I was married to man much older than me who was (gasp here) shia. So of course it was obvious that we would divorce at the end of the day. At least it seems to have been to everyone else exept for us. (oh i just gotta point this out since your gasp was so satisfactory and now your nodding your head in the "i told u so"-way; our divorce had NOTHING to do with him being shia. aint that amazing!?) 

So Im not suitable to give advice to other sisters, i was in a compleatly different situation(im told)...The truth of the matter is, that our problems (yes despite the age difference AND despite religious differences) were exactly like everyone elses. Enough about me though (allthough i really do like talking of my self... not that it shows); what are our demands then, and why are they so unrealistic?

I dont think there is one person on this planet who's a realist. I sure am not, even though i often pretend to be. We all have this in-built picture in our heads of what an ideal marriage is like. And that's just fine, as long as we realize the difference between the ideal and the reality. And besides... no one really wants the ideal; we want tomorrow to be pretty much like today. and we want today to be, if not happy, then at least comfortable.Now i can see all of u going "yeah right" but bare with me i'm coming to my point; People want stability. Financial stability, spiritual stability, emotional stability. This is what people need in order to be content. Not happy; happiness is overrated. Happiness only exsist when it's contrasting drama. I, for one, have no intrest in drama anymore. It takes way too much of your energy away from the things that really matter. (insert list, i wont cos u already know)

of course most of young people looking for marriage have not understood all this and are still looking for (quotes from date pages. not that i've ever visited one. i havent. no i havent. shut up) " my soulmate" , " love forever", "princess/prince", and the worst of all "my other half." (ok you dont necessarily have to be young, its unbelieveable how many people in their mid 30's and 40's are still in search of those qualities... not that i know of. but that's what i've heard.... ummm....yeah)

Are we making a mistake with our ideals then? Yes we are. The whole "other half"- theory is ridiculous. You are not incomplete.  It's also unfair to see someone else as just the final piece of a jig-saw that completes you. This all derives from the absurd thought that someone else can make you happy. Now... 

Lately I was asked, how i got over my divorce. And the answer's here;  I realized life goes on. I was complete before my husband and even though it took a lot of work to put all the pieces back together after my divorce i found not one missing. I was married for a relatively long time and got married really young, so when my marriage stopped working i had to figure out who i was all over again. I'm stil figuring it out. But i know that what's there is a complete, whole and God fearing human being. And though I'd love to get married again and try to be a bareable partner (not good. i doubt i will ever amount to that) i know that what ever happens is only a trial from Allah. 

Realizing all this  doesnt make life much easier though. I still (unfortunately) fall in love, break my heart and feel really really miserable. Just like the rest of you. I'm not stronger, and im not above such feelings as loneliness, fear and anxiety. I wish i was, and i try to pretend to be but so far it isn't really working out very well.*Sigh* blah blah blah. im so sick of my own company you'd be surprised.... 

But my friend isn't 100% right either (dont tell her i said so though); It's by no means enough that your husband doesnt drink, gamble, cheat (insert chosen haram action). I take those things for granted. There has to be something in common between two people in order for them to be able to share their life. Sharing deen only is not enough. It's silly to assume that any two muslims would make a great couple. No they won't. 

And as sad as it is, im still sticking to my idealism of soul-sympathy. i don't mean the "guess my thoughts before i utter them"-kinda thing. that's a load. but the sort of "i feel comfortable about myself when i'm around you"-kinda feeling. Now all you out there who've had that will know what i'm talking about...(smile to yourselves with a knowing expression and a feeling of inner-peace) It's not the ideal, but it's close enough.

wa salam, Aaliyah